Text 21 Apr 5 notes

When something changes my life I want to tell everyone about it so they can experience the same happiness I have.  Thus far those things are:

Therapy

College

Exercise

The Last of Us

Text 20 Apr 3 notes

I enjoy noticing when jokes are done.  And, basically, they’re done when I hear them from three or more comedians, from unfunny people, or on a sitcom.  Some stay around so long it’s embarrassing, like, that was over a year ago and you’re still saying “That happened”.

Some recent jokes that are over:

Calling something garbage or trash.  My wife gave one final push and when the baby came out the doctor handed him to me.  I held him in my arms and thought, I can’t believe this, this is my son and he looks like garbage.

Calling someone a dummy or dumb-dumb.  And where will I find replacement wipers on such short notice, dumb-dumb?

I’m asking for a friend.  If your finger gets stuck in your cat’s butthole, do you pull it out or should you push it through?  I’m asking for a friend.

Taken jokes.  The Baskin Robbins employee said they only had one pint of Maui Brownie Madness left and they were holding it for another customer. I looked at the guy and said, “I have a very particular set of skills…”, then I looked at the pint of Maui Brownie Madness in the freezer behind the counter, “You’re about to be taken”.

Saying you haven’t seen The Wire.  Sorry I can’t go to Cancun for spring break, I’m gonna binge-watch The Wire so I have something to talk about at parties.

Buzzfeed jokes.  21 Pictures of 19 Things with Number 2 on Them.

Jabroni.  Who’s the jabroni who forget to bring spoons to the ice-cream social?

Hashtag jokes.  Who’s the jabroni who forgot to bring spoons to the ice-cream social?  Hashtag callback.

Butt jokes.  Do do do do you have it?  BUTTS.

Text 18 Apr 8 notes

tehjeff:

✿ i like to think that there’s a little montel jordan in all of us 

via clutter..
Text 16 Apr 1 note

Why am I in such a bad mood?  Ooohh, that’s right.. Facebook.

Text 15 Apr 8 notes

My Facebook friends seem to forget that their “friends” can all see the comments they “like”.  When you “like” that your friend suggests someone “beat” their ill-behaved child, then comment that you agree with my statement that only stupid people beat their children, I see what you’re doing.  When you “like” that your friend called someone the n-word, I no longer believe you when you say you didn’t deserve to have your kids taken away.  Kiiinnnd of starting to feel like everyone I know is a piece of shit.

Video 9 Apr 938,633 notes

(Source: catleecious)

Text 8 Apr 2 notes

Anonymous asked: Why do you want to know what porn we're into?

I’m joking around, you goof!  Basically what I’m saying is that people on Tumblr love to post photos of people fuckin’ and whatnot and that’s weird as hell to me.  Keep that shit private like god intended, honey boo boo.

Video 8 Apr 4 notes

Can the cast of The Mindy Project please recreate this Friends poster?  They’re already so close and it would really be something special.  Thanks so much, bye bye.

Text 4 Apr 3 notes

Who is your dad’s cousin’s son to you?  Oh, your second cousin?  Thanks, WikiAnswers.

So my second cousin’s girlfriend just had a baby boy on the 1st.  They named the baby after the father, which is annoying, but yay a baby.  So this might be a good time to tell you about his other children.

A few years ago he was dating a girl and she got pregnant with twins.  They broke up sometime before or very shortly after the girls were born and she quickly got a new boyfriend.  The new boyfriend, and I believe the mother too, were very abusive to the girls.  One of the girls has severe brain damage as a result and has had to have multiple surgeries.  She has seizures regularly and can only walk and talk very, very minimally.  I’m actually not sure that she can talk whatsoever.  I don’t really know, because the mother and her boyfriend went to jail for what they did to those girls and the girls have since been adopted by another family.  The father (my second cousin) didn’t have the option of getting sole custody because he went to jail for some kind of charge about breaking into an abandoned building and getting high.  And his mom couldn’t take the girls because she doesn’t make much money, plus she has young twins of her own and another young child as well.

Obviously every bit of what happened to these girls is awful and tragic and the girl who took the brunt of it will never get to live the life she could have, which is completely unfair and infuriating.  Sometimes I’ll think about her sister and just feel like she is going to be the angriest teenager.  Her twin sister was made severely mentally disabled because of a couple white trash dumbshits.  How will she ever get over that?  How could she ever not be angry?  Once she gets old enough to understand what was taken from her and her sister she’s going to lose her fucking mind.

Quote 4 Apr 1 note
I could imagine being his mom and loving him a lot, if that makes sense.
— B.J. Novak, from the story “Dark Matter” in his book One More Thing

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