So you’re a 13 year old boy and you’ve found the love of your life. Congratulations! Now you’re wondering what the next step is. Do you call her and hang up when her mom answers? Do you buy her the cheapest teddy bear you can find and give it to her during first period French? Do you hide your boner when she gives you a kiss? I’m here to help you navigate through not only the next step but every step after that as well.
1. Get professional photos taken together
It’s time to shout from the rooftops that you are in love with a genuine tenderoni and the best way to do that is to take photos at JCPenney wearing matching outfits. Old Navy fleece pullovers, his and hers baggy Dickies work pants, and sneakers with the tongue protruding and bloated will suit you both perfectly. Be sure to get lots of wallet-sized prints because you’re going to want to pass them around at school.
2. Only hug her from behind
Obviously you two are inseparable. You’re constantly groping one another, making-out in public, and making everyone around you uncomfortable. You can’t let go of one another, but that isn’t practical because it keeps you both from seeing what’s out there in the world. Luckily for you the perfect solution was invented by the very first middle school boyfriend, who was also a caveman. He had a big heart, but he let his girlfriend convince him to wear matching leopard print loin cloths to the school dance and he killed himself after being bullied relentlessly for it. We pay homage to him every time we, as middle school boyfriends, hug our girlfriends from behind. Just stand behind her, wrap your arms around her stomach like she’s your pregnant wife, and rest your chin on her shoulder. Bonus points if you walk around together while maintaining the pose.
3. Pressure her into sex
You’ve been together for 16 days now and the relationship is getting stale. What’s this girl’s problem anyway? It’s starting to feel like she might not want to lose her virginity to you. You’re tempted to call her a “tease”, because she’ll touch it but she won’t put her mouth on it. Reel it in, cowboy. Instead you need to tell her you want children with her and you think you’re both ready for that kind of responsibility. You totally are, by the way.
4. Choose a time-specific song to represent your relationship
You have so many feelings and you need to express them, but how can you be sure they’ll be powerful enough? Look to an artist of the day to provide you with exactly what you need: a heartfelt ballad with on-the-nose lyrics. Don’t choose a classic song, that will be reserved for when you marry someone you actually love as an adult. The song you choose to represent your middle school relationship has to be one that just won’t sound right if you listen to it a few years from now. If this were the 90s, for instance, you might choose something by Gin Blossoms or Everclear. For today’s youth a song by Adam Levine or Justin Timberlake is going to be the choice 99% of the time (the other 1% it’s an ICP song, but those boys don’t need help with keeping their girlfriend’s happy).
5. Ask your mom to help you pick-out a promise ring
Your girlfriend is special and she deserves to feel like a princess. Why don’t you show her you care by going to the mall and putting a sterling silver ring with her birthstone in it on your mom’s Sears card? Your girlfriend will be thrilled to see the semi-precious gemstone glimmer on her child-sized hand and your mom will be thrilled to see she saved 10% by using her Sears card.
6. Bleach the tips of your hair
You can hug your girlfriend from behind, take photos in matching outfits, and pressure her into sex all you want, but unless you have bleached tips I’m sorry to tell you you’re not a middle school boyfriend.
7. Write bad poetry when she breaks-up with you
I’m sorry, lil guy, but you knew this day would come sooner or later. Her dad thinks you’re a “bad influence” and she just can’t be with you anymore. Is this because you got an “F” in gym? Did he find out about you smoking pot in the bathroom at the skating rink? Did she tell him about how you’re a yellow belt in karate? You’re wasting your time trying to find the reason why. You just need to move on. But first you need to write poetry to try to win her back. In the poem you will say the paper is stained with your tears, you will call her by a nickname you have never used before, and you will skillfully mention punching a hole in the wall in frustration. She won’t take you back, but she will show the poem to all of her friends and the chubby one will silently take your side, which should bring you some solace.
I hope you now feel prepared to undergo this daunting expedition. You have a long, hard road ahead but she’ll make it easy for you by getting married at 18 and having 4 children with her husband who’s in the Army. You’ll become an alcoholic and have a heart attack at 28. You’ll die in the hospital and your last words will be the lyrics to Adam Levine’s “Payphone”. Enjoy your youth.
These are my favorite dresses of the Emmys. I actually have a massive list of favorites including practically every actress from Orange is the New Black and some of my sophisticated comedy mamas (Sarah Silverman, Chelsea Peretti, Kristen Wiig), but I made sacrifices and I’m stronger for it.
Plus Ones who are killin’ it in the fashion game.
Do you ever find someone attractive against your better judgment? I know he’s wearing a Judah Friedlander trucker hat with something “funny” printed on it, he has a soul patch, and he’s bobbin’ his head with his lips pursed while listening to whatever bullshit is pouring into his head from his earbuds, but goddammit if I don’t want to take a second look at that idiot.
It’s insane to me that some people refuse to meet potential partners through internet dating sites. At this point I care more about how you come across online than in person. Since the creation and rise of social networking, I’ve realized that I don’t like almost anyone that I know in real life. I wish I could’ve met all of these people online first, because then I never would’ve had to meet them in person only to be tricked into thinking they were worthwhile people.
I had a dream I was starting a band with a black widow spider as the drummer.
The drummer lived in a plastic bag with a severed hand he nibbled on for sustenance.
I eventually quit the band because I thought it was too dangerous to interact on a regular basis with a hand-munching venomous arachnid.
It was so scary being in a band with a spider, you guys.
If you’re interested in watching me tell a story you may have already read about at some point on my blog, watch this video.
This Tumblr about shitty restaurant websites is wonderful.
- Dad: I don't get why women want to read Fifty Shades of Grey.
- Me: Do you like to look at porn?
- Dad: I get it now.