Imagine Leonardo DiCaprio was mugged as he was leaving The Oscars. He’d be like “I was robbed” and we’d be like “whoa, bitter much?”
Did June Diane Raphael leave Paul Scheer for Chris Hemsworth?
We all know it sucks when someone near and dear to us bites the big one, but we don’t all know how to deal with it. You might choose to go to therapy, to open up to someone close to you, to go on a drunken bender, or maybe to sleep with the deceased’s significant other since they’re finally single. All of those things will be great for your mental health and will help you to forget about that ol’ decaying corpse. But things get much more complicated when you’re in charge of planning their funeral. It’s like they’re making you do them favors even after they’re supposed to be out of your hair for good! I’m just goofing, of course. We like to keep it light around here. But, seriously, how can we make this errand more fun for you and the guests? I’m going to help you make this thing unbereaveable.
Embarrass the deceased. There’s nothing more entertaining for the living than making fun of the dead, especially their dead loved ones. When they look up at the projection screen and see a photo of Aunt Cecile that Uncle Ray candidly took while she was taking a dump, they will crack up! Remember that photo of Nicole on the beach with her one-piece pulled up way too high? Project it! How about the one of Ashley in that pink leotard that you told her you would delete from your camera? It’s perfect! If the deceased was a young person, put up a photo of their poutiest, most seductive self-portrait. Something like what’s shown below would be perfect.
Here I am in a classic MySpace pic.
I know what you’re thinking: What about the music? Well, there are a couple different ways you could go with this. You could make a speech about how much the deceased loved a song you’re about to play, go on and on about the meaning it had for him and how much the lyrics touched him, then play something that they never would’ve listened to and is possibly very inappropriate. Perhaps something like “Damn, I wish I was your lover”. Or maybe you’re trying to sleep with the ol’ bag o’ bones’ wife, but she’s going on about “loyalty” and won’t let you go balls deep, then you should play something that would imply he was cheating on her, like “Two Lovers (And I Ain’t Ashamed)”. It will be just the kick in the cunt she needs to get her sobbing and grieving and shaking from the pain of losing him right into your arms!
"What’s the deal with seatbelts!? I mean I can’t sit in one, and they don’t keep my pants up!
…but they do save lives, and they are the law, and you’d all do well to remember that.”
If I took a tour of The White House, my first order of business would be to kiss the front steps. This would make everyone around aware of my patriotism. It would also make them look like total dicks for not thinking of it. Once inside I would look for a bathroom. They would have to be the fanciest public restrooms in existence, right? Up there with the Target restrooms.
*Side note: We don’t rest in them, so why do they call them restrooms? Sign up for an open mic night.*
Once inside the restroom, I would behave like a lady. If the mall can afford to have cameras in the bathroom to catch shoplifters, then surely The White House can too. I would enter the first open stall and I would close the door and take a deep breath. I’d say to myself “You done good, kid”, then I would pee standing up. I’ve never done that before, but I’ve read The Secret, so I know I’ll ace it first try if I just put that energy out into the world. After I was done, I would wipe myself with a toilet seat cover because it’s kind of like tracing paper and I like tracing paper. I wouldn’t flush. And don’t say a lady would flush, because I’m a feminist and we make our own rules. I wouldn’t flush because I need information. Will it self-flush? Will a secret service agent have to come into the ladies room and flush it manually? Will I be secretly killed for my poor hygiene and become the subject of a conspiracy doc called “Valerie Bryant: Forever Peeing in the White House”? The toilet will self-flush and I will be disappointed. I’ll let out a sigh and notice at that exact moment that there’s something strange about the eyes on that painting of Michelle Obama that hangs over the sink. Could it be? Is someone watching me? I try to look super sexy, but like natural. I pout my lips and widen my eyes. I channel Beyonce’s sister. I’m not shooting for the moon, just the cutest star near the moon. It works.
I’m teleported to The Oval Office. The President’s chair slowly turns toward me. Joe Biden is sitting in the chair with his dick in his hand. “You like what you see?” I do, but I can’t let him know that. “No way, gross”, I say, while channeling Beyonce this time. Biden bites his lip and says “I’ll show you my Bill Clinton impression if you’ll show me your Monica Lewinsky.” I have to admit, I was charmed by him. “So it was you watching me from the painting in the bathroom?” “No, I was watching you from the camera inside the toilet bowl. Very impressive.” “Thanks. Have you read The Secret?” “How do you think I got to be VP?” I am shocked and turned on. Then Biden quickly sits up, alarmed, and says “Wait a minute, did you say someone was watching you from a painting?”
I awaken in my bed, soaked in sweat. “It was just a dream”, I say aloud. “What was that honey?” I turn to see Joe Biden laying next to me. “What are you doing here?” “What do you mean? I’m your husband of 20 years. Here are our children we’ve had together.” He shows me a photo of two of the most average-looking children I’ve ever laid eyes on. I shake my head in disbelief. I am confused. I am frightened. And I have three arms.
Don’t get me wrong, House of Cards is brilliantly written. I just thought boiling down a show I love like this would be fun. And it was.
Blondes, blondes, blondes, blondes.