1. Don’t let a friend take you on a trip if you’ve recently put them in your will, because they’re gonna toss you off the side of a cliff. Pretty much any time you’re on a cliff with someone they’re gonna toss you off the side of it.
2. Don’t ask a group of criminals to rob your parents, because the robbers will “flip the script” and kill both you and your parents.
3. If you have a recurring illness, your wife is poisoning you.
4. Florence Henderson looks good for her age.
5. Don’t confront a coworker about stealing from work, because she will kill you.
When this game started I thought I was going to love it. Pretty immediately I thought it was a nice change and a step-up from the previous titles (although it’s hard to even compare them because they’re so different). It looks beautiful, the world is interesting and bizarre, and the story is creepy right off. The details in the world are great. I love that you can hear a store’s music before you even enter, I love the billboard for “The music of tomorrow today” that plays The Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows”, and I love being able to play shitty carnival games. However, as soon as the racism becomes more apparent, the world gets fucked and the game turns into a pretty standard FPS. And while I did end up liking the game, I was never dying to play it, which is disappointing. The final fight was almost fun, but it didn’t quite make it there. Although there’s nothing sweeter than using undertow to slosh some enemies over the railing of the ship.
I do like the story, but it mostly just makes me excited to see what the story will be in the next game and how that will influence your traversal through the game. Like, okay, you had this great idea.. now actually do that.
Ooh I can really use the sink? Now this feels like real life!
Elizabeth is a manic pixie dream girl. Please stop throwing me coins; It’s genuinely irritating.
The best feeling in the world is finding a hotdog in a cabinet.
What kind of times are they living in where they’re willing to eat a piece of cake they found on a corpse? And where was he keeping that cake, his pocket?
This game has turned me into a sociopath. I see a pile of corpses and I think “jackpot!”
Gut-feeling score: 6/10 (I’m so sorry, I think this might be an unfair score, but these are the rules)
Imagine if parents punished their kids the way the Impractical Jokers punish each other.
Honey, I’ve asked you several times to clean your room, so I’m sorry but to teach you a lesson about responsibility you’re going to have to get your belly button pierced.
If you don’t finish your peas, I’m going to have to parade you around the neighborhood dressed as a pretty, pretty princess.
You got a “D” in math? I’m gonna have to take your cell phone away. But you can get it back if you can find it in this pile of elephant shit.
If you ever have cancer, you should tell everyone starting with “Guess what?” because your silly friends and family who say “Chicken butt” are gonna feel so bad.
I’ll try to continue playing Bioshock Infinite, but it is really irritating me. I was having a good time in the beginning. I was exploring this beautiful, interesting world. Then, as it takes a turn into what I’ll call “see? see? racism”, the fighting begins. What do you need to use vigors this go round? Salts. How many salts can you carry? Not many. How quickly do your salts run out? Very quickly.
Not only that, but when you die you only get back some of your health and your enemies regain some health as well, plus some of your money is taken. The money that takes forever to gather and that you have much less of than in the first two Bioshock games, but that you need much more of.
Take me back to the carnival, baby bubba, I’ll shoot that looting gang all day long.
I thought they’d figured out that details like that are irritating. They made the hacking less difficult and the security bots less persistent, so why are they adding in new annoying shit? My boyfriend tells me the guy who made the first game didn’t make the second one but he came back for Infinite. Oh, goodie. So he’s one of those people who thinks searching for money and bullets constitutes gameplay and running out of items you need is fun.
And you can’t carry any goddamn health!
I am mad and you can’t stop me.
I actually liked this game better than the first. I enjoyed the first, but there were some issues that were irritating. For instance, the hacking in the first game isn’t worth the effort. The flow of liquid is too fast and the puzzles are tricky on top of that. If those weren’t timed (the flowing liquid technically makes them timed), they would’ve been fine. In the second game, they changed the hacking so you have a hacking tool and you have to press a button at the right moments. Super easy, not frustrating. This helps the other thing that annoyed me most with the first game too, which is the security bots. They’re still in the game, but now they primarily work for me rather than against me, which is actually really cool.
Playing as a Big Daddy rather than a normal guy was a fun addition too. I don’t think it changed the game that much, in general, which is good, but it added the drill weapon and the Little Sister missions. I liked everything about this game. And even playing it on “Easy” was somewhat hard, because the enemies are clearly more difficult to kill, and there are new enemies that are really tough.
The one thing they made worse, in my opinion, was the camera. They changed it so it switches to the most recent weapon you were using as soon as you take a picture. This took the fun away from trying to get a perfect photo and it made me use my hacking tool as a weapon accidentally a ton of times. I get why they did it and I’m sure some people enjoyed the change, but I really loved the camera in the last game and I felt like it was more difficult to use it regularly this way.
The Big Sisters have more attitude than Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You.
The underwater parts were lovely, but there weren’t enough of them.
They should’ve put the proximity mines, trip wires, and mini-turrets in their own category, then maybe I would’ve remembered to use them.
The end reminds me of Silent Hill 3 with wheelchairs just lying around everywhere.
I don’t like that there’s a limit on how much money I can have. I guess the citizens of Rapture were living in Obama’s America too.
They remember the security codes for you now. Thanks, now I don’t have to sift through the diary entries I picked up for a code I found an hour ago.
Fewer cigarettes lying around means I’m not accidentally smoking all the time.
The main character is taller, which is nice, but the Little Sister lumbered around like a Big Daddy.
Dialogue I’ve written for the final scene: “Here’s a gift.” “Oh thanks, I’m just gonna go ahead and drop it in the ocean.”
Gut-feeling score: 8.5/10
They could be related.
My parents never remember Michael Fassbender. They saw Eden Lake and didn’t know the guy in it. Michael Fassbender. They saw Fish Tank and thought the stepfather was amazing but he didn’t look familiar. Michael Fassbender. They saw The Counselor and loved the titular character and had heard he was a popular actor but they’d never heard of him. Goddamn motherfucking Michael for the love of god Fassbender.
This is the first Tim Schafer game I’ve ever played and I had high expectations. I was not disappointed. This game is cute, fun, and incredibly funny. Like really, really, seriously funny. I don’t usually like RPGs, but I really like the system in this. If the enemy does a lot of damage or if I do less damage, it’s because I didn’t hit the right button at the right time. It’s not arbitrary.
The stamps are cute and useful, the playing cards are silly, finding the kids playing hide and seek is rewarding, and bobbing for apples is fun. There are no missteps in this game. And I love when I can actually accomplish every task in a game and get all the achievements. No multiplayer achievements keeping my completion at 62%, just good old fashioned candy huntin’ and costume questin’.
Dorsilla and Alex Vause are one and the same.
My favorite costume is the kitty, my favorite power is the fry smell, and my favorite in-battle player is the pumpkin.
I’d like to write some lines for bad guys: “It’s my birthday today and no one remembered”, “You interrupted me while I was watching my favorite show”, “Even a thoughtful compliment couldn’t save you now.”
The kids’ Dad looks like my friend Jeff. Is that grounds for a lawsuit?
Gut-feeling score: 10/10
Bonus review: Grubbins on Ice
Wonderful little expansion that sets up the sequel in a very exciting way. Plus new costumes! My favorite of the new costumes has to be the yeti. It was more of the same and that’s exactly what I expect an expansion to be.
No longer trick or treating, but instead asking for support in starting a revolution. Very clever.
The old bad guys are the new good guys.
Gut-feeling score: 10/10