Link 13 Oct 1 note Sean is Smart»

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Text 10 Oct 2 notes How to Be a Bridesmaid a Shit Ton of Times

Even though I admitted to you all just yesterday that I have never been asked to be a bridesmaid, I must still insist that I am an expert on how to be asked to be a bridesmaid.  You’d think being asked to be a bridesmaid is as simple as reversing the rules for how not to be asked to be a bridesmaid, but you’re wrong.  That’s why I’m the expert and you’re just some idiot reading a how-to guide.

1. Just Ask

I can’t even tell you how many times my pushy friends have been bridesmaids, because it’s SO MANY TIMES.  Even in weddings for girls who I know don’t like them very much.  Dress for the job you want and act like it’s already yours.  “So when are we picking out bridesmaid dresses?”  “I’d better be one of your bridesmaids, biatch.  LOL.”  That’s how sure you are you’ll be a bridesmaid; It’s a joke to you.  “Can I be paired to walk with the groom’s brother?”  What’s she gonna say?  Sorry, you’re not one of my bridesmaids?  Puh-lease.  You’ve just put her in an awkward position and you’re not gonna give her a way out.

2. Be Rich and Generous

Who do you want to plan your bachelorette party?  Broke ass Jessica who spent her last birthday at a Chuck E. Cheese because it was “funny” or glamorous Zara who thinks any restaurant without a Michelin star is gross?  Prove to your friends that you are a Zara and there won’t even be any Jessica’s invited to the bachelorette party.  Jessica’s are gross to Zara too.  She is so fucking cool.

3. Make Friends With Lonely People

Lonely people are not the same as undesirable people who will never be married.  Lonely people are not fun to hang out with, they are weirdos, they are nit-pickers, they talk too much, they all around suck.  These kinds of people will ask you to be a bridesmaid on the first day you meet them because they have no one else in their lives.  Who would marry these people, you may be thinking.  Other weirdos.  This girl who talks to her Harry Potter books is marrying a guy who works at Best Buy and acts cocky about it.  The girl who doesn’t talk to you for 3 days after you beat her in Words With Friends is marrying a guy who once fingered Tara Reid and won’t stop talking about it.  You’re in for one hell of an unpleasant friendship, but damn it if you don’t get to show off those gams in a killer cocktail dress at her Scooby Doo themed wedding.

4. Befriend Lots of Engaged Women

Form a close friendship FAST.  I mean lightning fast.  As soon as you hear the words “I’m engaged,” tell her about your eating disorder, ask her to accompany you to the clinic to have your abortion, fake a suicide attempt, and buy her something extravagant “just because.”  You are a fucking good friend and you two connect emotionally in a way that no one ever does except in Nicholas Sparks movies.  Oh yeah, and you’re dying of cancer.  This woman needs to feel like she knows you down to your very soul and you need to know her too.  Listen to her, ask questions about her mother, delight in boring stories about her nieces and nephews, and be there for her when she has doubts about her fiance.  Your support will mean the world to her and she will want you by her side when she decides to marry that dipshit.

5. Be a Sister

Have lots of sisters, because you will be a bridesmaid in every one of their weddings.  Even if you’re not too close with one sister, your mom will make her put you in her bridal party.  She’ll hate it, but who cares?  You’re a bridesmaid and you look glorious.  What if you only have brothers?  Start looking on adoption websites.  Drop hints around the house about it.  “Do you know the horrors that baby girls in China go through?  There’s this documentary on Netflix…”  Leave pamphlets lying around.  Your parents will get the hint and they’ll be adopting a little girl for you to use for your own reasonable purposes in no time.

6. Make Friends With Girly Girls

Girly girls have like 17 bridesmaids.  Every single one of their friends will be in their wedding, so you’re a shoo-in even if you only hang out once every couple months.  That’ll leave you enough time to spend will all of your other best friends who require a little more finessing to nail down a bridesmaid invitation.

This is gonna work out for you and I’m so, so jealous!  Let’s get together sometime to talk about how well this is going for you.  I knew it would, you’re so sociable and intelligent.  I always love talking to you because you’re just so real, it’s like a breath of fresh air.  How’s your mother, by the way?  I remember you said she had a cold last week and I’ve been so worried, I’m so glad she’s okay.  Let’s meet at the new crepe and champagne place on Sunset, my treat.  See you then, gorgeous!

Text 9 Oct 2 notes How to Never be a Bridesmaid

I’ve had a lot of success in never being asked to be a bridesmaid.  I have years of experience forming friendships that aren’t meaningful enough to merit a bond-cementing act like being asked to be involved in a friend’s wedding.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?  For me it’s closer to never a bridesmaid, never a bride.  And that’s just the way I like it.  If you want advice on how to never, ever, ever be asked to participate in a friend’s wedding, you’ve come to the right gal.

1. Be Unreliable

Picture this: It’s your best friend’s birthday and she’s posted a party announcement on facebook.  What do you do?  If you said anything other than “ignore it,” you just may find yourself in an authentic bridesmaid’s costume soon.  You need to teach your friends that you cannot be depended on, that you do not take interest in the important milestones in their lives, and that you are so emotionally distant that you won’t even discuss it.  If you want your dog to runaway, all you gotta do is let it outside off-leash and close the fucking door.

2. Don’t Get Married

If you get married, suddenly you have to pick bridesmaids for your wedding.  What’s gonna happen when you have Susan be your maid of honor, then Susan decides to get married?  Yeah, idiot, she’s gonna ask you to be a bridesmaid.  You can’t put yourself in that position, so I’m gonna need you to avoid marital bliss.  If you MUST get married, if you MUST, do it in a courthouse with no bridal party.

3. Tell All Your Friends You Don’t Like Their Boyfriend

Look for weaknesses in your friend’s mates and really dig into them.  “Huh, sure seems like he’s drinking a lot tonight.  Is his dad an alcoholic?  You know that’s genetic.”  “He’s divorced?  I wonder if he’ll ever cheat on your with his ex-wife.  That happens all the time, ya know.”  If the guy doesn’t have any weaknesses, create problems and harp on them relentlessly.  “Wow, did he just call you ‘sweetie’?  I don’t know why you let him patronize you like that.”  “His mom died when he was 3?  Do you think it was his fault?  I wouldn’t risk it if I were you.”  When they get married she couldn’t possibly have you in the wedding because her fiance is gonna hate you so much.  She’s telling him what you’re saying, by the way.  That’s why he looks at you weird when you come over.

4. Be Poor

No bride wants to have to help pay for her bridesmaid’s dresses.  If you’re so poor that everyone knows you can’t afford to plan a bachelorette party, or buy a fancy dress, or even purchase a nice wedding present, they’re gonna keep you off their list of close friends.  If you’re struggling with being wealthy, just talk about how broke you are all the time and don’t ever pay for anything when you go out with friends.  Really take advantage of their kindness and never say thank-you for their generosity.

5. Make Friends With Popular People

If your friends with a very popular person, you can throw all these other rules out the window.  You can be as attentive, generous, compassionate, and loyal as possible, and you still won’t make it into Jen’s inner circle.  Sure, you might think you and Jen are close, but you have no idea about who her true allegiance lies with.  It’s not with you.  I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but you haven’t even met a single one of her true friends.  And that’s a good thing!  No bridesmaiding for you!  Yay!

6. Make Friends With Undesirables

As with popular friends, undesirable friends also allow you to throw the rules out the window, but it’s for the opposite reason.  No one will ever love them enough to want to marry them.  This is such good news for you, because there’s no way in hell that anyone would ever want to spend their life with these people.  And they’re lovely!  You love being friends with Christina!  She’s such a sweet, funny, unique person.  But no one will ever love her, so you’re free to be as full of bridesmaid potential as you wanna be.  You can even have nights where you plan your weddings together and make dream bridesmaids line-ups.  You can promise to be her maid of honor and do her hair and make-up for free and whatever else you wanna say.  It doesn’t matter because she’s never gonna get married.

7. If All Else Fails, Say No

Sorry, Bernice, but no.  I’m not interested in being involved in your wedding in any capacity.  I’m sure it would be fun, and our friendship would grow and evolve, and the memories we would make would last a lifetime, but no.  What do I have to say to get you off my back?  Do I have to move to another country?  Do I have to seduce your fiance?  Leave me alone, Bernice.  I hope you enjoy dress shopping with our other closest female friends, and I’m sure you will because they’re a lot of fun, but I’m not gonna be there.  I’m never gonna be a fucking bridesmaid.

Text 2 Oct 2 notes

I’m gonna get so much done while Joe’s at work!

*watches Parenthood*

Text 1 Oct 2 notes

I can’t believe I have a job. 

Doing things is awful.

Ooh, you’re so lucky you gimme money or I’d be OUTTA THERE.

This six hours a week I’m spending tutoring children is gonna be the death of me.  How do people work more than that?  I’ve worked one day and I’m done.  I’m done, baby, I get it.  This is work, I get it, and I’m done.

I gotta go get ready now SO I CAN GO TO FUCKING WORK for two hours.

Text 28 Sep 3 notes Should You Give Up?

There are people in the world who think you shouldn’t ever quit.  Baby, I am not one of those people.  I quit shit left and right.  This Caitlin Moran book isn’t reeling me in, I’m closing it.  This mythology class is boring, dropped.  I have to drive to the Turlock campus to major in biology?  Guess what, I’m a psych major now.  I’m too lazy to go work at Target today, I fucking quit.  Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred?  More like Jillian Michael’s 5 day shred.  Now my self-sabotage post is making a lot more sense, huh?  I’m a quitter and I’m okay with that…most of the time.  There are some good questions to ask yourself when you’re considering giving up on something to help you decide if you should stick it out or give it the boot.

1. Have you given it a chance?

Oh you read one page of Samantha’s American Girl book and you don’t like it?  Have you even gotten to the part about how she loves to climb trees?  You’re welcome, now go enjoy your historical fiction book for little girls.

2. Are you any good at it?  Is it over your head?

When you first start an exercise routine, it sucks.  You’re not good at it and it’s annoying to be not good at something.  Don’t give up until you’ve tried it out long enough to at least be passably good at it.  If you still hate it, q-u-i-t.  If you’re taking a tricky subject in school, you may want to quit because it’s too hard.  Don’t be a baby.  Study hard, learn something, and don’t end up like your father. 

3. Can completing it do something positive for you?

If you stay at this job will it look good on a resume?  If you’re a cart wrangler at Raley’s, the answer is no.  Quit, baby!  If you complete this class will it fulfill a requirement for graduation?  Then finish the class, doofus. 

4. Are you doing it to please someone else?  What’s your motivation?

If you started taking a baking class because you’ve always wanted to bake pies during the holidays, maybe you should consider finishing the 6-week course.  You may hate it while you’re there, but it will be nice to have the skill once it’s over.  Are you taking a baking class to please your judgmental mother?  Fuck that fucking class.

5. Does it put you in a bad mood?

Do you act like an asshole to everyone around you because you hate your job?  Maybe you should quit, you dick.  Does watching Bad Girls Club make you too angry to eat your dinner?  Chill out and watch some Animal Odd Couples instead.

6. Does it make you feel bad physically?

Hey, if wrangling carts hurts your knees, you gotta quit.  I know you love this job, but it’s not good for you.  Wait, didn’t I tell you to give this up already?  Are you even listening?

7. Is an outside force causing you to view it negatively?

Maybe you hate this spin class because spinning reminds you of Sandra who was always bragging about how she never misses a class, even when she’s sick.  We get it, Sandra, you’re better than us.  But this spin class isn’t about Sandra, it’s about you.  Keep spinning until this becomes your hobby, not Sandra’s.  Is there an employee at the batting cages who never remembers your name?  Maybe he’s the reason you think you don’t love baseball.  You’re a natural, kid, don’t give up on your dream.

8. Is there something you’d rather be doing?

Is that shitty ballroom dancing class keeping you from your volunteer work?  Foxtrot outta there.  Are you wasting the time you could be spending writing your Third Eye Blind fan fiction forcing yourself to read American Gods even though you don’t think it’s that good?  Toss that book in the trash!  Is getting a Master’s degree keeping you from trying that new pastry they introduced at Starbucks?  Don’t a drama queen, it’s probably not that good anyway.

Text 27 Sep 5 notes How to Avoid Self-Sabotage

I am the queen of self-sabotage.  At least that’s how I think of myself.  Viewing yourself as someone who will ruin everything good that comes your way can be extremely detrimental to you.  I, for instance, have been avoiding all activities involving any semblance of responsibility for years.  I’m convinced I’ll screw it up, so I don’t even try.  And the thing is, I won’t just screw it up, I’ll screw it up on purpose.  How fucked up is that?  I’ll screw it up just to hurt myself.  I’ll screw it up because somewhere in my mind I must believe that I don’t deserve to have nice things.  Well, guess what, me?  Your days are numbered, because I’m not having anymore of this self-sabotage bullshit.

1. Look to Past Accomplishments for Encouragement

Are there habits you’ve formed and stuck to that were difficult to maintain at first?  It could be as simple as attending school or work, or it could be something like sticking to a healthy eating plan or exercise regimen.  If you could eventually form another beneficial habit for yourself, then why should this new thing be any different? 

2. Don’t Think Abstractly, Think Realistically

Sometimes the idea of something seems worse than it really is.  For example, oftentimes the idea of going to a party sounds like torture.  But if, instead of thinking of the party as an abstract idea, I view it in concrete terms, it can sound more appealing.  Kristen will be there and we always have fun talking.  There will be new people to meet that I can try to make laugh (and, obviously, I’ll succeed).  I’ll get to wear my favorite dress and put on winged eyeliner.  Really imagine being at this specific event instead of simply being at a party.

Another example of something that’s better in reality than it is in theory is exercise.  I can’t tell you how much I hate the idea of running, but when I really imagine moving my legs, my feet pushing off the ground, my heart rate going up, sweat dripping down my chest, and listening to “Code Monkey” (my favorite work-out song), it starts to sound pretty fun.

3. Once You’ve Stepped Out of Your Comfort Zone, You Can Create a New Comfort Zone

You may feel like the only safe place to eat is that Italian place down the street.  You’re familiar with the waitstaff, you have a favorite table, you know where the bathrooms are, and you feel comfortable there.  But if you push yourself to try something new, you can quickly make a new place a part of your comfort zone.  It can be hard to step out of our tried and true routines, but once we do we can adjust pretty quickly to a new one.

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Text 23 Sep 3 notes While He Was Working: Grosse Pointe Blank

I sure know how to pick ‘em.

I don’t have a lot to say about this movie.  It sucks.  It thinks it’s funny and it’s not. 

John Cusack is a hitman who’s also kind of a normal guy.  He attends his high school reunion and reignites a relationship with Minnie Driver, his flame from high school whom he hasn’t seen in 10 years.  Their relationship is kind of cute, mostly because Minnie Driver is a vision of loveliness, but that concludes the complimentary segment of my post.

Dan Akroyd is a rival hitman who puts a hit out on Cusack.  I know you’re like ooh, that’s crazy, but it isn’t.  Everything in this movie is on the deepest level of who cares.  It just isn’t good.  The movie think it’s so fucking quirky.  Cusack is a hitman, but he also loves his mom.  Jeremy Piven, as Cusack’s best friend, screams in the car for fun.  Isn’t this zany?  Cusack’s childhood home was turned into a gas station.  Can you believe it?  Cusack is always calling his therapist, Alan Arkin, for advice but Arkin doesn’t want anything to do with him.  He’s not actually his therapist! I know this sounds maybe, possibly a little bit interesting but I promise you it isn’t. 

What else can I say?  It’s just boring and blah.  Maybe with better writing and the addition of a single interesting character this movie could be as good as Forces of Nature.

Text 22 Sep 1 note While He Was Working: Eye For An Eye

I went with suspense this time, because I’m not as predictable as you thought I was.  Sure, it’s gonna be a romantic comedy or romantic drama or romantic action movie 9/10 times but that last time is gonna be something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. 

Eye For An Eye starts out with a normal family planning a birthday party.  Sally Field is the mother, Ed Harris is the husband/stepfather, they have a 17 year old daughter who stutters, and the birthday girl is 6 years old.  Who is gonna die?  Just go ahead and make a prediction. 

I’ll wait.

Okay, yes, you’re right, but you probably wouldn’t have guessed correctly if I hadn’t told you she stutters.  The stuttering gives her rape and murder away.  So she brutally brutalized and Sally Field is like, um, I don’t like this one bit.  Well Kiefer Sutherland did it (I never did like him), but this sick son of a bitch gets off on a technicality!  In court, to rub it in Sally’s face, Kiefer says “S-s-s-sorry.”  This raping murderer is a real jerk.

Sally Field starts going to a grief group that is filled with vengeful nutjobs.  She has found her people.  The first night she attends she overhears some members planning the murder of their child’s killer.  So.. you know.. that’ll affect the story later on.

Ed Harris is kind of a dick in this movie.  I guess we’re supposed to think Sally is just going off the deep end and is obsessing over getting revenge/justice rather than mourning her daughter in a healthy way, but it just seems like he’s a shitty husband.  He doesn’t understand why Sally is being overprotective of her other daughter, he doesn’t understand why she isn’t going to work, and he doesn’t understand why she was so upset when he washed her dead daughter’s pillow.  He washed the smell off of it and he’s basically like WHO FUCKING CARES?

Sally has also started following Kiefer around, because she doesn’t want him to murder anyone else.  He is a delivery boy and he chooses his victims from his pool of customers.  She sees him deliver something to a beautiful Spanish woman and he is obviously going to kill her next.  Sally tells the cops, but they won’t do anything.  So she tries to warn the woman, but the woman doesn’t speak English and she just kind of freaks out on Sally.  Let’s just wait and see what happens with her.

The movie thinks that Kiefer’s colorful history of rape and murder isn’t enough to make the audience dislike him, so they also make him flick a cigarette at a woman, pour hot coffee on a dog, call another dog a “piece of shit”, AND drive recklessly.  Now do you hate him? 

Let’s get to it.  Kiefer sees Sally spying and sends her a message by visiting her daughter at school.  He also tells Sally to her face that he will repeat his crime, this time on her younger daughter, if she doesn’t leave him alone.  So what’s she gonna do?  Talk to her grief group members about killing Kiefer, of course.  She has to kill him herself, so she takes self-defense classes and learns how to shoot a gun.  During this time, another group member whose 4 year old was murdered befriends Sally.  She takes her to pilates - which I didn’t even know existed in 1996 - and then the friend urges her not to murder Kiefer.  Why?  She’s an undercover cop investigating vigilante activity in the grief group and her son isn’t actually dead!  I know!

BUT Sally CAN murder Kiefer if it’s in self-defense.  So…she does that.  Because he kills the Spanish lady and gets away with it somehow.  The lesson here is to avoid Kiefer Sutherland at all costs.

Text 19 Sep 2 notes While He Was Working: Forces of Nature

I almost turned this movie off immediately because it’s so unpleasant to look at.  Everything is gloomy and dim.  The movie looks old, like it should only be available on VHS.  The directing is just awful.  And the whole movie has a hurricane storyline that is always ruining scenes, making them all dingy and sometimes even special effectsy and greenscreeny.  Helping to set the tone is the in-your-face soundtrack of classic 90s angst tunes including Lo-Fidelity Allstars’ “Battle Flag”.  If you don’t remember that song, just imagine a Prodigy b-side and you’ve pretty much got it.  This movie is really hard to like.

People act like Zach Braff created the manic pixie dream girl, but I think Forces of Nature did.  Sandra Bullock’s character can’t keep a job - she’s been a dog walker, a telemarketer, a stripper, etc., she doesn’t see why someone would get married instead of just living their life, and she stands on top of trains and yells into the infinite abyss.  Eat your heart out, Garden State.

I just googled “manic pixie dream girl” and the wikipedia page says that even Belle from Beauty and the Beast has been classified as an MPDG.  Whatever, I still say Forces of Nature created the archetype.

Ben Affleck is boring and he’s engaged to a boring woman.  His grandfather has a heart attack at Ben’s bachelor party and he tells Ben he was never attracted to his wife.  If Ben were 20 years younger, this speech would’ve turned him into a real asshole.  #ShallowHal  Basically the whole movie is about Ben trying to make it to his wedding, which natural disasters (or forces of nature) disrupt at every turn.  And Sandra Bullock is with him.  And every single person he meets fucking hates marriage.

I gotta say, the writing isn’t bad.  I think this movie might even be good if it weren’t for the dreariness and aggressive music choices.  Wait, no, that’s not true.  It’s really dumb that Sandra Bullock screams on top of the train.  And it’s really dumb that she’s the most irresponsible person in the world, yet at 27 years old she has $25,000 to invest in a bagel shop.  I guess the truth is that the writing is funny, but the story is not good.

Steve Zahn is like a thin, living Chris Farley.

This movie does that thing where the guy you’re supposed to like is cheating on his fiancee, but the writer doesn’t want the viewer to hate the guy so they make his fiancee cheat on him too.  Oh, that solves everything.  They should definitely get married now.

The guy his fiancee cheats with is like a living David Strickland.

TWIST.  He still marries his fiancee.  You thought he was going to leave her for Sandra Bullock just because she wears eyeliner, dances with old men, and knows how to make the most out of a trip to KMart?  No, what happens is he tells Sandra Bullock he’s gonna go break-up with his fiancee in front of her whole family on the day of their wedding, but instead he falls in love with his boring soulmate all over again when he sees her in her wedding dress and they go off and get married in Hawaii because, duh, there’s a Hurricane in Savannah.  And Sandra Bullock is happy because she gets to spend the rest of her life sitting in a tree with her son.


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