Every woman knows how to make a guy yearn to violate her during Spring, Fall, and Winter, but how do we stay desirable during the Summer? If you don’t want your man to leave you for someone better - or a “summer job”, as my boyfriend calls it - then read my Summer Beauty Tips and show him how hot you are in Summer fashions when you’re dripping more sweat than a pair of balls in a sauna.
I took a trip to Target to show off the hottest fashions for the hottest season of the year.
First: you need a hat that’s too big and a pair of sunglasses that are too small. Forehead cleavage is in and the only want to get it is to wear glasses that are uncomfortably tight around your head. It’s worth the headaches because you’ll be looking hotter than ever. Plus the longer you keep them on the more likely it is that you’ll develop a radical face tan, which is always in style.
Katy Perry tells us “daisy dukes, bikinis on top” are what “California Girls” wear and she’s so fucking right! Pull up your bikini bottom really high on the sides because then it can go right up your butt cheeks like a sexy thong and it allows you the freedom to let your cheeks hang out the bottom of your shorts. Target doesn’t sell thong bikinis, so I just had to make do with what they had. The American flag shorts are trendy right now because Osama Bin Laden is fucking dead. It’s a big political statement I’m making in these shorts and that will give any fella a girthy erection. If you don’t have stretch marks and back fat, I don’t know what to tell you.. I mean, I’m not mad, but… I’m disappointed.
Terry cloth! Terry cloth! Terry cloth! If it’s terry cloth, it is in! The Naomi look is in this year: Never wear straps this Summer! It’s all strapless, all the time! If the “Mama’s Family” fashion icon has taught us anything, it’s that ladies look fucking hot when they’re showing off their shoulder boobs.
For extra oomph, put a hand behind your back like you’re pregnant and waddle-walk. It makes guys think of sex because how do you make a baby? Exactly. That’s what I thought.
You’re gonna look silly out there if you wear your killer daisy dukes with same ol’ same ol’ make-up. In the past you may have heard that it’s best to wear light make-up in the summer, or to wear peaches and shimmery creams. Not this year! This year we’re playing up the eyes with a thick coat of ebony on our lids, highlighting our cheekbones with bronzer as a blush replacement - and I was all out of bronzer, so I just used brown eyeshadow, it’s the same thing - and then we top it all off with a dark red lip. It’s a clean look that tells the world you’re a confident woman who isn’t afraid of making a statement.
And my tank-top-turned-scarf and mirror-turned-necklace combo are real head turners. The mirror will reflect what’s in front of you, so people will be drawn to you since they will see themselves in you. Or the sun will shine brightly into their eyes which will make you seem luminous and carefree.
Plus when you wash off the make-up, no matter how hard you try to clear it all away, you’ll be left with some shadow on your lids. It looks playful and chic.
Enjoy your Summer! I hope you all get laid lots!